My friends orange cat likes to demand butt pats whenever you sit on the couch and I like to play a little game where I feign ignorance of his request. I’ll babble at him and go:

“What? What is it? Do you want treats? What do you want?” Then look away.

So he proceeded to nom my elbow for attention. I turned to look at his big round eyes and ever so gently his little paw reaches over for a pap pap of my butt cheek before slowly retracting. I look at him and go.

“Yes, I see you! What do you want buddy?”

His paw unfurls and he does his pap pap but this time his paw remains, eyes PLEADING for me to understand. I raise my hand and give him a gentle pap pap on the butt and this wiggly worm starts rolling around before stopping to stare again.

“You want more?”

Yeah he does. His tail starts swooshing around restlessly, turning to expose his little belly in order to keep me ensnared. I cannot resist.

I raise my hands, those beady eyes transfixed as I wind them up. The beast turns swiftly before my weapons of war crash against fur, drumming furiously upon his hindquarters like a bongo.

Little dude turns to mush. Absolute puddle, splaying out flat on his belly like a pancake with his ears flattened against his head.

PURE BLISS.

And I don’t dare stop lest I face the wrath of little teefies chomping at my phalanges, wafts of terrible tuna assaulting my nostrils. No, no, I must continue until the bones of my hands creak and the beasts flesh grow numb for this is the toll I must pay for entering his domain.