My hamster is a fucking primadonna hipster who works out 8 hours a day.

“Pellets…? Really…? Don’t you know they’re full of carbs…OH!! Fruit snacks!! I need energy!!”

“Carrots and dill treat? No thanks. I only eat the cranberry ones.” *Drags treat over to his pooping corner and leaves it there.

Me: “Did you just flush that treat down the toilet…?”

At 1:30 AM “I’m going to the gym!” *Pushes hamster wheel up against the side of his cage for maximum banging and clattering noises, then proceeds to go on a brisk run for 2 hours.

When I’m feeding him. “You may pick me up and pet me human, I consent. I like warm hands.”

When I need to clean his cage. “Bad touch, bad touch! I do not consent! I will bite you!”

My cat does this bark/chirp and gives me this frustrated confused look. He’s essentially saying “Me, attention me” while he stretches his hands at me and “pretends” it’s just stretching.

He thinks he’s clever but I got him all figured out.

My one cat very agressively tells me each day when I get home that I must pick him and give him scritches right now.

My other cat speaks in secrets with the demons that reside in the dark corners of my home at night.

That Family Guy scene where Stewie says “mom, mom, mommy, mommy” over and over again and then runs out of the room

My wife and I make up what my cat says. She has “conversations” with us. If we say something to her, she meows back. So we will say things like “what should we make for dinner?” And of course she just says “meow!” And we say, “no, I don’t want kibble for dinner. Think of something else.” So she again says, “meow!” And we say, “no, I don’t want canned wet food either!”

Why is my food bowl empty???

What are you eating, can i have some?!?

That will be about 80% of the conversation based on my experience.