I often felt attracted to her from September 2023 to March 2024. I had a crush on her at least 2 times. We sat at the same table in math class from January 24 to March 5.

On February 5, with a simple mindset against regret and a growing repulsion towards postponing brave actions, when she went to her desk, I noticed some strength and ability in me, I quickly took advantage of it, and I successfully said “hi, [girl 2]”. In response, she said “hi”. Then the perceived difficulty of doing this seemed a little funny to me. Earlier that day, during lunch, I went to confession for the first time in about 9 months, which was a somewhat nervewracking experience that might have given me strength.

I have a note that was last edited on February 13. It’s mostly about when I wanted to read a short story I made to the people at my table in math class (just my crush and 3 other girls) but did not do it. Here’s some of what I told myself in it (edited a lot):

  • I didn’t do it because I forgot how good and euphoric it would be for me.
  • I did sabotage.
  • I did pull out the story, so I’m halfway there. I will do the whole thing next time, including the second half which will be more peaceful than self-induced regret and stolen fun. (I actually did not do it)
  • Isolating myself from those people is a bad action with bad consequences for me.
  • I should see those people as friends.
  • With repulsion, I can become unable to choose sabatoge.

On February 27, I had the idea of saying “[girl 2], I like your hair”. I then considered the possibility of this becoming a reality. Considering this possibility required me to be a little crazy because I still had a lot of social anxiety. I decided that I wanted to do it the next day. The next day, I randomly woke up 60-90 minutes earlier than usual (after having a dream where I reunited with my rabbit who was dead in real life, which suggests that I had deep optimism in my mind) and had thoughts that helped me find strength, including but not limited to:

  • This is exercise. Discomfort when doing this has the same meaning and acceptability as when weightlifting.
  • God intends it. He’s suspiciously filling my mind with preparation. (I’m not completely sure about this, but it’s very likely)
  • I have a history of overestimating regret and not actually feeling much of it after doing something, like the one time I said hi at the wrong moment and felt almost no regret. But I have kinda regretted not doing some things.
  • I heard the compliment over and over again in my head, which is the only reason it sometimes sounds weird to me.
  • Doing this is ordinary.

I made an effort to remember these things. I successfully did the thing. It probably got rid of at least half of my social anxiety. The girl was silent, then she whispered a bunch of things into another girl’s ear. I really noticed the secrecy. She was likely talking about my interactions. I vaguely remember that I might have very faintly heard what I said, but it was almost silent. They laughed. I was a little entertained, not embarrassed. My biggest regret in this situation is not saying something about the whispering for fun.

There’s a least one time where during first period, which was mostly just time available for doing things like homwork, I sat and did nothing, with the intention of conserving energy so I can be brave enough to do one of the interactions with this girl later in the day. I don’t know how much difference it made. It might have worked through the placebo effect.

The firecracker in this meme reminds me of my interactions with this girl: https://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/s/0DvRrdJpxQ

Key ideas:

  • Be very skeptical of (and hopefully identify) the thing in your head that tells you to wait, and think of waiting as a risky action.
  • Be very skeptical of the division between fantasy and what you are capable of in real life.
  • Be very skeptical of the feeling that a planned action is weird.
  • Try to prevent yourself from forgetting at the last minute why you should not doubt your decision to do something.
  • Regret of not doing something is the result of your own choice.
  • Do not avoid discomfort. If it happens, it’s a signal of growth, not danger.
  • Action is usually less risky than lack of action.