Warning: This was a rant and I have NOT proof-read it, so please ignore any poor writing, lol.

I (19M) and my girlfriend (18F) have been doing long-distance for about a year. We met in-person in school, but she had a very rough home life and had to move almost 500 miles away to live with her aunt and get away from her abusive mother while she finishes her last year of school. Since she’s still in school, neither one of us have been able to make the drive/flight to see one another, and the soonest we will be able to is July. I have generally been taking the distance fairly well — I’m content with our video calls and texting — but she’s been having a really rough time and has been for several months. On top of being separated from me, she’s away from her immediate family and all of her longtime friends, in a completely new environment where she has to adjust to customs and meet new people, and generally struggles with some minor mental health issues. With all of these things piled up, she has become incredibly depressed and is growing more and more jealous in the relationship. We’ve had many a long talk about all of these topics, but the problems seem to persist. She can often be short-tempered, dry over text and call, jealous of my female friends (of which I have many), and generally a bit petty. Now, I can’t blame those on her — they’re products of the absolutely shit situation she’s been forced into — but I’m still beginning to resent her for them, and I feel awful. I’ve found myself avoiding her when she wants to talk, and I sometimes struggle to to keep conversations going because I feel like I’m doing most of the work. And again, I’ve been upfront, so she’s aware of these issues and says she’s trying to fix them — which I truly believe — but it’s beginning to be too much.

In addition to those push factors, there’s one pull factor. This has kept me up at night because I feel so awful about it. My love language is physical touch, and no, I don’t mean sex. I feel and express love largely through hugs, cuddling, holding hands, and even just sitting shoulder to shoulder. Hell, I feel great receiving a high five from people! The issue, of course, is that physical touch is kind of hard from 500 miles away, so I’m starting to feel lonely despite being completely fulfilled in every other aspect of the relationship. The part that makes my stomach do back flips is that I’ve noticed myself starting to seek that physicality with my female friends. I have never and will never even think about physically cheating, but I have on a few occasions sat a bit too close to people, been too touchy while laughing, let a hug go on for a bit too long, or something like that. Additionally, my best friend in the whole world is female, and I know she has feelings for me. Part of me has thought about ending things with my current girlfriend and pursuing those physical desires with this friend because, well, we’re already super duper close and I know she wants it, too. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I love my girlfriend so much and I can’t imagine doing relationship-y stuff with anyone else despite how bad I might want it — it juts feels gross. I know that sounds backwards — I want it but it’s gross — but idk; it’s just how I feel. I feel I may begin or have already begun an emotional affair and I’m absolutely disgusted at myself.

I don’t want to leave because I do truly love this woman, and she was everything I needed and more before she moved, but her bad situation has made me resent her. I would just wait it out until she graduates and we can be close again and all will be good again, but she plans on starting college in-state where she is, and I’m being shipped off in August to serve 4 years in the military, so I just don’t think I can wait that long with how much has built up in just one year. Additionally, because she’s struggling with her mental health, I fear my leaving won’t be good for her physical safety because she’s mentioned desires to harm herself already (though, she hasn’t actually done it). I helped her out a lot with her issues with her abusive mom (I was actually the one that got her out and moved her away in the first place), so I know I mean a whole whole lot to her. She says I’m the only one close to her that’s treated her with care respect. I do truly believe things will go back to normal if we can close the distance, and I do truly want a future with her, but I just don’t think I’ll be able to wait the time required for that.

What on earth do I do?