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Badly, like most people who have a good relationship with their parents I imagine. My mother died in 2009 and my father in 2014. The first one was rough, she was unexpectedly diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and only lasted a few months after that. The second one was fucking brutal though, I was the one who had to make the call to pull him off of life support (he had a DNR from pretty much the moment mom died), on the phone, from ~1500 miles away.
They hit me very different, for pretty obvious reasons, but also some not-obvious ones. Plus that was further complicated by the fact that despite loving my parents very much (they were flawed like everyone else, but honestly they were the best parents a guy could ask for) I never cried at either of their deaths. I didn’t get to attend the service for either one (not that there was much of one). But it would hit me out of the blue for years. I still dream about them sometimes. But it wasn’t until my best friend of ~25 years (and long-time roommate) died in 2019 (it was a rough 10 years) that it really all hit me, I felt utterly alone and rudderless in the world for a good while afterwards.
I’m doing better now thankfully. You have no choice but to keep on keeping on, but now carrying that weight. It doesn’t ever go away, but it does get lighter with time.
I felt utterly alone and rudderless in the world
I think this encompasses it perfectly. That the world is lesser or harder somehow without.
But it would hit me out of the blue for years. I still dream about them sometimes.
Thanks for your perspective, and this is likely what I fear. It’s weird to know that everyone goes through this at some point in their lives, this sudden feeling of losing the people that made you a child, and now you have to suddenly realise that there’s no one to call upon other than yourself for adulthood
Yeah, I’ve had a lot of medical problems in my life that make me more dependent upon others than most so I dunno if that means I felt it more keenly because of that or if that’s just how it goes for everyone.
I will say, re:fear, that once you get past the initial wave of grief it’s not really a bad thing, it’s just remembering them and being sad that they’re not there, and like anything it lessens with time. I wouldn’t say I look forward to it or anything like that, but while for the first little bit it kind of wiped me out, now it’s kind of like nostalgia. Instead of deeply feeling that freshly-severed connection it’s more like fond remembrance now.
Wait.
So, evidently and before anything, this only truly affects those who have good enough relationships with their parents to grieve their loss. Some were mistreated and didn’t create strong enough links, that eventually practically vanished altogether and so didn’t suffer the passing of their parents as much/at all. I guess a silver lining of childhood trauma and distance is that at least you won’t miss one/both parents.
I read somewhere that grief is the truest expression of love and, yeah, sure. How will I deal with my dear mom’s passing, even as a quite emotionally independent guy who advises his mom more than the other way around? How can any? You just live, and remember that your mom would’ve much rather you did something good with your life than drown in tears and despair, and you keep going. You talk about it with close ones when you’re feeling sad (my mom for instance will tear up talking about her parents). Finally, and this is gonna be a tad unsavoury for the Westerner lemmy majority: you believe in God, that this whole thing wasn’t all for nothing and that God will take good care of his (mostly observational experiment?) subjects, and so you’ll meet again cause who mourns a troublemaker that even God in all His mercy rejected? And that keeps you going for yet another day. Who knows, maybe it’s true? 🤷😅 I believe so, lol, and certainly am on Voltaire’s side of the “religion question”.
you believe in God, that this whole thing wasn’t all for nothing
You don’t have to believe in god to believe that this whole thing wasn’t all for nothing. I don’t believe in god and I got through the death of my mother in 2009, father in 2014, and best friend of ~25 years in 2019 (a period during which I was a pretty committed atheist.) It’s enough to know that their lives had meaning to me and to others, and that they would want me to carry on with my life rather than wallowing in sorrow and grief.
That’s fantastic, and perhaps you don’t need to but it can certainly help. And I’m sorry for your repeated losses in the span of a decade, truly.
Sure, I get that it helps people and I don’t begrudge them that. Just seems like a weirdly specific thing to add to a list of things to deal with grief. ‘Believe in something’ I would get, ‘Believe in this specific thing’ struck me as a little odd.
And thanks, it was a rough 10 years, but I’m doing much better now.
Atheist married to a Catholic here: It’s not odd for religious people to share their religious perspective. It’s inextricably part of the fabric of their life and their worldview, and for them it’s relevant to the question OP asked.
No, it’s not odd for people to share their religious perspective. I do, however, find it a little odd for people to offer it as specific advice for how to cope with grief to randos on the internet whose beliefs you have no idea about. Hence my suggestion of the more general ‘believe in something.’
Okay but you don’t find it odd but you described it as “weird”-ly specific. My advice is relax and remember that just because someone mentions Jesus in front of you doesn’t mean you’re being assaulted. It goes both ways too — just because you mention atheism in a room full of religious people is no cause for you to feel sheepish. This is the equilibrium you should strive for.
Uhh, ok, simmer down there champ, we need to clear some things up.
- We were talking about two different things here. What I initially described as ‘odd’ was the idea of inserting the requirement of specific belief in the (presumably Protestant Evangelical) Christian god into the advice one might offer to a stranger on how to deal with grief. In my reply to you I was responding specifically to your more broad statement about sharing religious perspectives in general when I said ‘No, it’s not odd…’. So, no, I don’t find ‘it’ (sharing religious views in general) odd, but I very much do find ‘it’ (inserting said requirement about specific beliefs) both odd and weirdly specific. As I thought I made clear with the very next sentence:
I do, however, find it a little odd for people to offer it as specific advice for how to cope with grief to randos on the internet whose beliefs you have no idea about.
- Have you ever noticed how when you put two words next to each other they can sometimes mean something a little different, especially when you put ‘ly’ at the end of the first one, than what those same two words would otherwise mean when they’re alone? ‘Weirdly specific’ isn’t weird (or any other synonym thereof) and specific, it’s specific in a weird way. A good example of it working the other way is the sentence I just quoted above: note how ‘odd’ and ‘specific’ aren’t adjacent and there isn’t any pesky ‘ly’ in there to confuse things, so their normal meanings apply.
My advice is relax
- I’m sorry, you’re going to have to explain to me how my honestly pretty chill comment gave you the idea that I was in any way uncalm. Maybe start with how, exactly, you got ‘Help I’m being assaulted’ from ‘Huh that’s a little odd’.
I once had a colleague suggest to me that once you’re in the ground, that’s it, you’re just worm food.
Whilst I agree with that empirically, I can’t shake off the thought that there’s more to life than what we measure, and do believe in an afterlife of sorts; our consciousness merging into a higher one in the form of an energy captured in our interactions on this planet, or as some kind of not-yet measured ‘mental wave’
In any case, I talk to gravestones when I’m there alone
Maybe there’s more to us than the vessels. Why is there something instead of nothing anyway? Hehe.
And that’s pretty cool, the whole talking to gravestones thing. Maybe they’re not listening but it definitely helps you think, and thinking about death keeps you both grounded and gives you a better perspective on things at least (time is running out for you and everyone you love, try to make it count and get in the f’ing robot, Shinji!). I’m sure that, whether living or ‘dead’, any good parent would want their kid to think clearly and appreciate life. 😊
I also think that invoking their name, summons them somehow, but I do put that down to old school home grown superstition. They don’t need to see me in the shower when I’m having my daily mind defrag
I like the Buddhist logic of emptiness is no ultimate being but also I’m a cyclical existencd
i try to learn from it and take action to mitigate the worst outcomes that i can foresee happening for myself.
the one that’s still alive is hellbent on repeating the same behaviors they did before and all i can do is watch from a distance while my siblings who are close try to handle it all; in vein, is suspect.
It’s hard but it’s not like my mom is going to un-die
Form a healthy relationship with death. You can understand why it happens and attend other funeral services so that by the time you lose someone that close, you can manage the emotions of personal loss without the shock of mortality.
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