“You are a Jerk (This one is a real goody guys!)” joke
Jerks by Patrick Hanifin (Reproduced without permission from the Humor Archives)
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found
the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?”
I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly
the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided
to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled “You’re a jerk!” and hung
up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word “Jerk,” and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and then
I’d yell, “You’re a jerk!” It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me,
I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then
heard his voice, “Hello.”
I made up a name. “Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if
you’re familiar with our caller ID program?”
He went, “No!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because
you’re a jerk!”
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there’s ever
anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-4822.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think
she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back
out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
thought, she’s finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and
pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t just do that, Buddy. I
was here first!” The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
mall as if he didn’t even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy’s a jerk, there’s sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he
had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after
calling 555-4822 and yelling, “You’re a jerk!” (It’s really easy to call him now since I have
his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on
my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, “Hello.”
I said, “Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?”
“Yes it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.
I said, “What’s your name?”
“Don Hansen.”
“Where do you live?”
“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front.”
“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”
“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jerk!” and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, “Hello.”
I said, “Hello, Jerk!”
He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?”
“I’ll kick your butt.”
“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jerk!” And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at
1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk
#2’s house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and
a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two
guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two
guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, “We
the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!”
Reminds me of this old joke: https://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/You_are_a_Jerk_This_one
“You are a Jerk (This one is a real goody guys!)” joke
Jerks by Patrick Hanifin (Reproduced without permission from the Humor Archives)
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found
the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?”
I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly
the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided
to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled “You’re a jerk!” and hung
up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word “Jerk,” and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and then
I’d yell, “You’re a jerk!” It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me,
I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then
heard his voice, “Hello.”
I made up a name. “Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if
you’re familiar with our caller ID program?”
He went, “No!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because
you’re a jerk!”
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there’s ever
anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-4822.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think
she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back
out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
thought, she’s finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and
pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t just do that, Buddy. I
was here first!” The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
mall as if he didn’t even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy’s a jerk, there’s sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he
had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after
calling 555-4822 and yelling, “You’re a jerk!” (It’s really easy to call him now since I have
his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on
my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, “Hello.”
I said, “Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?”
“Yes it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.
I said, “What’s your name?”
“Don Hansen.”
“Where do you live?”
“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front.”
“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”
“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jerk!” and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, “Hello.”
I said, “Hello, Jerk!”
He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?”
“I’ll kick your butt.”
“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jerk!” And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at
1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk
#2’s house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and
a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two
guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two
guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, “We
the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!”