I care for her well-being. I mean, I spent 15 years with someone, and I feel like I’m following a guidebook on divorce.
My marriage ended in a mutual tone. She obviously didn’t love me in the same ways she used to, same for me as I used to for her, but she’s still a person, and we still spent 15 years together. Formative parts of our teenage lives were experienced together. It’s not even as-if there’s a void, it’s a gaping hole through to the other side.
I don’t know if she’s dead. I don’t know if she’s ok. I don’t know anything, and I’m afraid to ask. I cut off all contact, as was pretty much universally suggested and even I had a lot of ideas that I’d never really come away from it entirely unless I literally separated my life from her. It’s a divorce. It’s what you do, isn’t it?
I just want her to know it wasn’t so much by choice as it was a commonplace necessity, but… why would she care? I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away, and am I even right to send one, and for what long-term purpose?
It’s just a waste of time, isn’t it? We should just move on, but… can I? 15 years. I’m 35 now. I should be spending my last five decent dating years finding someone new, but I’m stuck on her being ok. I don’t even have to be the one to find out, just someone tell me she’s ok.
She probably just hates me and never wants to hear from me anyway, and what good would it do? I’d know how she is, I guess, but she’d have another thread into my life and things could end up more complicated overall.
Every time this comes up in my head, I decide against it, but it keeps coming up, almost daily, like a self-induced torture. “Just don’t think about it!” Easy talk…
You know you can still remain friends, right? It sounds like that’s the part of the marriage you still miss…
There’s literally zero reason to cut off all contact unless that’s what she has explicitly stated (or that you want). I’m still very good friends with my former wife, for example, and we split over 14 years ago now and still talk at least once a week.
The only caveat I would give is that you are both firmly in each others friend zone’s here. You both have to be OK with each other dating - no jealousy. If you cannot handle that, then yes, stay away.
It also means any new partner you get will have to be OK with that, too. They will have a right to be jealous and discuss that with you, but it’s not ok for them to say you cannot see your ex, if that’s what you want.
OP says that NC was “universally suggested” (by whom???)
That’s the most baffling part of this. Bro cut off all contact with someone they spent 15 years with and is surprised when it hurts.
By my family for the most part, and anyone else I’ve talked to regarding divorce, as if it’s so matter-of-fact.
I mean I get the idea. If we are absent from eachother’s lives, the separation will be that much easier and less like slowly ripping off a band aid.
I’m not surprised, “bro”. I fully expected to be a miserable pile of shit. I’m in a divorce from 15 years of marriage.
Can you explain more about the thought process behind the divorce?
About four years before the divorce, her best friend got pregnant. It was my wife’s dream to have kids, and instead of accepting her best friend’s gift as a miracle for her, she let jealousy get the best of her and lashed out at nearly everyone we knew.
It changed my idea of who she was and how she was, and it changed her. Yeah, we tried nearly everything, but she just plain couldn’t have kids. I was tested multiple times, so was she, over and over again. Why us, why me, why, god, why.
Our marriage kind of hit this hopeless wall. We had a step on the stairs that we couldn’t reach. As a result of her actions during her friend’s pregnancy, a lot of bad shade got thrown her way online and towards me from her, for sticking up for her friend.
well… buddy.
I know, but I can’t lie about that, even to her. It was complete and total bullshit for her to hold bad feelings against her best friend for the simple fact that my wife couldn’t get pregnant and she could and she never even once came close to any sort of apology or even a glitter of remorse.
While this is the original tidal wave that started everything, things degraded from there to us never even being intimate, to remembering the pregnancy attempt days as almost like having sex because it was mandatory, not due to choice and it even broke our attraction to each other.
Two people with 15 years of memories, half good, half regretful and no physical connection whatsoever due to the trauma and bad blood and no one budging an inch on their point of view, the only direction things had to go was down.
It sounds like couple’s therapy might have helped, but I wasn’t there so I can’t say for sure so I’ll just assume the relationship is truly over for the sake of my advice.
Firstly, talk to a therapist. Right now you are suffering tremendous emotional trauma. Just talking it out (kind of like you are here) will help a lot, and a therapist will help you process things. That’s the number 1 thing.
Secondly, just worry about you for now. Don’t feel the need to rush into a relationship because of some ticking clock. A new girl won’t heal the void inside you and it wouldn’t be fair to her to try.
I haven’t been in your shoes exactly, but I’ve carried trauma from a previous relationship into a new one and it didn’t end well. Not dramatically, but we both knew it was over years before I actually left. I contented myself with being alone forever until someone who cared pushed me into therapy 4 years later.
“Even with humans, friendship is sometimes less an emotional response than more of a sense of familiarity. As I experienced certain sensory input patterns, my mental pathways have been accustomed to them. The input is eventually anticipated, and even missed when absent.”
~ Lt. Commander Data on his friendship with Tasha Yar.
It’s normal, and it will fade over time. But it will never fully go away, nor should it.
You two made the right choice, just give it time. You may find working out to be greatly beneficial to your mental state, and you may make new friends. New mental pathways to push aside the old ones.
🖖🖖🖖
My wife and I divorced. I helped her move out. We talk every other day because we still like each other just fine, we just weren’t good as a couple. She just sent me pics of her trip to Mexico with her BF and I was very happy with her. But that’s how my relationships go. It’s up to you how yours go.
You need another 7 months at least to heal and move on. Sounds like you maybe just needed to vent about it here and that’s ok. Dealing with this kind of loss it’s just going to be a process. Focus on your self worth and try to realize that it’s not necessarily your place anymore to wonder if she’s “ok”. Hopefully you’re practicing some things that are working on making yourself feel “ok” without any of that being tied to her.
I don’t want other people tied up in my feelings for her. I’ve had two dates in the six months, and yeah, plenty of flirting but it’s mostly talk and I don’t go much further. There’s still shit keeping me from accepting someone else.
I told my cousin I’d hold off on dating until I had more to offer another person other than misery.
Edit: Just realized this post is three months old. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and I’ll leave my comment below if you’re still interested in advice.
Did you and your ex-wife ever talk about what your post-divorce relationship should be like? Did you two set a “no contact” boundary with each other?
I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away
Did she tell you that herself? If she did tell you that when you got divorced, was it in the heat of an argument or a calm discussion of expectations and boundaries?
It’s not weird for a divorced couple to remain friends, especially if it was “mutual”. If your ex specifically said she never wants to be in contact again, then you should respect that, but there’s no need to impose that on yourself if it doesn’t suit you. I don’t think it’s disrespectful to send an email or a text saying “I hope you’re alright and I’d like to stay in touch”.
I hope that you are not making this harder on yourself than it needs to be.
