It’s a sunny day, we’re outside, good mood, drinking a coffee. I try to strike a conversation, my gf says its too early for philosophical discussions. I tell her we can instead talk about whatever she feels like. She says she doesn’t want to talk about anything. We weirdly sit in silence for a while. I tell her it’s weird to me, we argue. Is this normal?
Sitting in comfortable silence is completely normal. Some people need to practice not filling every moment with conversation.
I guess you’re right…
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ㅤI struggled with this for a long time. I grew up in a house where silence meant something was wrong. My partner helped me understand that’s not the case. Sometimes it’s nice just to be together and do nothing.
It’s called comfortable silence and is totally normal. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit together and prepare for the day.
Given they said “it’s too early for philosophical discussions” seems like you were doing some big talk while they just wanted to wake up a bit.
Constant talking all the time would drive me mad personally.
These are the small moments that define a relationship. Your gf wants to have a quiet morning browsing her phone and you want to have a conversation. It is up to you if that is ok or not - your relationship should make you happy. You can decide that you are happy to give her a quiet morning, or you can decide that it makes you feel too weird and find a new relationship with someone that you are more compatible with. Every relationship involves compromise but only you can decide what compromise is right for you.
It sounds like she’s an introvert, and you’re an extrovert.
For you, chatting is effortless and energizing. For her, it requires effort and can be draining.
Meanwhile, you find mental exercises like deep thought or creating require effort and can be draining. For her, these are effortless and energizing.
You need to talk with her about her and your needs, and you must recognize the differences between you and find a middle ground where you can each be happy. That could mean you go out with friends to get your chatting needs and give her the space to recharge, and you and her find topics that interest her to talk about.
One last bit of advice: don’t treat this like it’s a you versus her problem. Treat it like it’s you and her versus the problem. The collaborative approach will yield better solutions and results.
Don’t fight over things like this. Seek to understand. Respect her. Ask yourself how you would want her to react if you told her you needed some time in silence.
This is something you should discuss with her in a calm way, after this moment has passed. What if you had done as she asked? Maybe you would have a better conversation if you took that time to think about what she wanted and why. Not from your perspective, from hers.
This isn’t a man/woman or relationship issue. This is the kind of thing you’ll encounter over and over. They are asking you to put their need for silence over your need for interaction. If, over the course of several instances if this, you decide you can’t spend your time with a person who doesn’t love chatting as much as you, that is a legit reason to go your separate ways and no hard feelings. But, really, you’re going to deal with countless things like this in all your relationships (not just romantic). You have to balance the incompatible aspects with the compatible. Nobody is perfect and you can learn things about yourself from the incompatibilities. No reason to argue and fight. Just say what you are feeling and try to stay calm and open to hearing their side.
She may have been enjoying the sounds outside, she may be an introvert and was recharging, she may have been thinking her own thoughts and wanted to finish, maybe the coffee had not finished doing it’s work - sometimes silence is not about being angry or feeling distant from someone. She did tell you she didn’t want to talk about anything. Maybe that’s why she got upset?
No, she was on her phone
It’s normal to want quiet time, especially if you’re spending a lot of time together. Constantly interacting can get exhausting, even if you love the person you’re interacting with.
Consider why you feel the compulsion to fill silence with words. Lots of people (especially these days, with the constant over-stimulation from media and devices) aren’t good at just… Being a person. Just existing without any particular purpose or reason. Simply being is uncomfortable for these people, so they feel the need to force interaction on whoever is around them as a distraction.
It’s no different than reaching for your phone the instant you start to feel bored. Even if you’re bored with your phone already, (already checked all your notifications, already tired of doomscrolling, etc,) it’s just peoples’ first reaction to being bored. Give me an easy distraction so I don’t need to think about how bored I am.
She was on her phone. I was just sitting there, I’m the one who tries to occasionally avoid my phone.
I try to strike a conversation, my gf says its too early for philosophical discussions
You think philosophical discussions are normal conversations. God, that sound exhausting.
I tell her it’s weird to me, we argue.
Great, so with you it’s either philosophical discussions, or arguing. I wonder how long she will put up with this.
How about asking her: “It it weird that I always start philosophical discussions?”
