One of the good things about lemmy is that I’m positive my friend won’t find this post.
Hey lemmy. My best friend and I have been close since we met back in high school, circa 2002. We lived a few blocks away from each other, kept in touch across the country during college, and even lived together for a few years after college. We’ve traveled overseas together, been through many break ups together. She was a solid rock for me when my fiance and I had a traumatic split 4 years ago.
She got married legally two years ago, and their wedding is finally happening this upcoming spring. I’ve been so excited along with her. We’ve talked our whole friendship about being there for all the fun stuff for our weddings, and I’ve been doing all the maid-of-honor stuff since she asked me to be hers.
She was initially depressed about dress shopping since she assumed no one would be able to go, including her mother, who has really bad travel/directional anxiety. We’re all in different states.
I asked her why she would even think that I wouldn’t fly out to go dress shopping with her, since we’ve been talking about it for ages, and I love clothing shopping! She said she thought I’d be too strapped for cash, but I’d been saving up for her wedding stuff, so it’s not an issue. We set the date for November and a she invited another long-distance friend from high school and I’ve been looking at tickets to get out there.
Anyway, I was planning to reach out to her mom and fly in to her state to fly with her to my friends state so she wouldn’t have to worry about making her way there with all her anxiety, but today I got a message from my friend. Her mom and stepdad are visiting her area this weekend for an extended family member’s birthday, and she and her mom decided they would “pre-look” at wedding dresses today, “just to get an idea of whats out there” and wanted to know if I’d feel left out if they did that.
My heart sunk when I got the text, because I knew that her mom probably was trying to combine dress shopping for this trip so she wouldn’t have to take another trip out again so soon. I messaged back saying no I wouldn’t feel left out, but did that mean dress shopping in November was canceled? She said no, that it was still on. I was a bit relieved, but still worried. I gave the okay, because of course I can’t say no, that would be supper immature and inappropriate.
Of course, she found a dress she wanted, and I was left out of the whole experience. She video called me at one point for a very short while, and sent me photos, and I tried my best to be happy and give good advice and opinions, but it’s not the same, and I wasn’t part of most of it. (She didn’t go for any of my advice, but I’m not hurt about that - video and photo representation isn’t the same, and my advice might have been totally off from what I would have said in person.)
Anyway, here’s the thing: this isn’t my wedding. My feelings don’t matter. I realize this in my rational mind, but I’m still incredibly hurt. I definitely wanted to be there for these types of moments for her wedding.
I pretended not to be hurt though, because I really don’t want to stress her out in any way when it comes to her wedding. I don’t want in any way to be someone she looks back on and remembers as a source of stress or drama during this event. I realize that her mother brought up the idea and pressured her to do so because of her own travel anxiety, and I’m not mad at my friend for jumping at the chance to look at dresses with her mom when she could - just in case her mom pulls out of organized plans last-minute. I’m incredibly close to my mom, so I’d definitely want her there when it’s my turn. I get it.
Still, I’m hurt. I just don’t know of I should tell her so, or if I should keep pretending I’m okay. What’s done is done, she has her dress. Is there any point in bringing up my feelings at all? Or should I just swallow it all up and hope I work through the hurt privately somehow? I don’t like hiding my feelings and lying to her, but I feel like telling her would do more harm than good.
If you’ve gotten this far, I appreciate it.
I know it’s a weird thing to say, but instead of feeling hurt maybe try to feel disappointed instead. It sounds like your friend wanted you there, and since you weren’t she tried to include you. It doesn’t sound like they planned to buy the dress without your input, more like an opportunity came up to go shopping. So if you treat it more like a disappointment that you weren’t there you can commiserate with your friend then find something else to do together. Being hurt implies that it was more something that your friend did to you than something that just kinda happened.
There’s definitely disappointment thrown in with the hurt.
I know for a fact she did want me there, and yes, she went out of her way to include me how she could. I don’t think in any way she was trying to sneak in the dress shopping without me. I don’t think she came up with the idea of shopping for dresses today at all, I think her mom did because of her travel anxiety. I think my hurt feelings are more about my friend not putting her foot down and insisting I be there.
Still, even then, I can’t really be mad at her mom for suggesting it, because her mom’s travel anxiety is no joke. It was bad when we were in high school, and it’s gotten far, far worse since then. I’ve talked to my friend many times about how hurt she gets when her mother won’t visit her during other important events because of that anxiety. And I can’t be mad at my friend for not letting this opportunity slip by to have her mom with her for sure. I’m at war with myself.
I don’t know how to be just disappointed instead though. The hurt is still there, I can’t just shut it off, though I think I pinned down more at what exact actions I’m hurt about.
Thank you for your input!
I think maybe you should reframe how you’re thinking about this. It doesn’t sound like you’re upset with your friend. You’re just upset that you missed out on dress shopping with your friend. You understand this obviously wasn’t done to hurt you, things just don’t always go as planned. I think you could let your friend know that you’re sad you missed out, I’m sure they’d understand that and I’m sure you could come up with some other way to be involved.
This is just me guessing based on what you’ve said, so I hope I haven’t missed the mark. But I think that if you just rethink what you’re actually upset about you can communicate your feelings without making your friend feel attacked, which I’m sure is not your aim.
I hope that helps.
I think I’m upset specifically that she didn’t put her foot down and demand it wait until I’m there. I’d definitely go earlier than November if she needed me to, but time isn’t the reason they did it now, it’s because her mom has really bad anxiety while traveling. And I totally get why my friend would jump at that chance.
You haven’t missed the mark. I do think I have an issue about feeling hurt when a friend makes a decision I myself would never make towards my friend. Like, “I would never do this to you, how could you do this to me?” But again, I do realize my reaction is irrational, and she definitely wasn’t trying to hurt me.
I hesitate to tell her because if she knows I’m hurt, she’ll feel guilty, and she shouldn’t have to feel guilty over this, it’s 100% my issue, and 100% her wedding. Again, definitely don’t want her to feel guilty, sorry or attacked in anyway over this.
Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.