ā¦sometimes i feel its being pushed too hard.
sometimes i feel peeps donāt know enough about me toā¦ form an informed opinion on me.
you choose what you present to the world.
and you sure present cute.
nono i dont i just put stuff and write stuff and - whatever. thatās how i spend my time as of rnā¦
i - i just dont know rn. too many thoughts.
soā¦ it still feels wrong to hear it. and i donāt like hearing it.
i read it and go āsigh yea that sure would be nice, wouldnāt itā and then comment āawawawa >///< noooo am notā verifiably not-- nono- impossibruā despite u knowā¦ not actually feeling anything about it.
whatever - i hope u have a lovely day <3
just say the word and weāll stop :)
and find even worse superlatives >:3 the annoying thing about lying to yourself about your feelings is that it works.
same to you maria, have a nice one!
im not lying to myself about ānot feeling anything about itā, because i know that i certainly would feel something if someone were to tell that to me in real life, you see?
but onlineā¦ uhmā¦ a recent post described the space as a āhugboxā. thatās a strong word and it doesnāt apply very much here, but online āhugsā and praises and whatever just never really get to me unless the peeps literally know me from irl, you see?
thank you, i appreciate it.
i was thinking more the other other way around. if you lie to yourself that you do, eventually the body starts agreeing.
as someone who just recently got medicated for depression and adhd and so couldnāt do the lying thing before due to chemical imbalance, i hate that it works now and that it makes me feel better. but it does, so i do it!
oh, iām happy that you are receiving the medication you need.
i have also been diagnosed for depression andā¦ it just lives in the family and such. but got no medicationā¦ mostly because my therapist, who i really hate, kept telling me that i can do it without and then finally ended up saying that i could search for a psychiatrist to do a testā¦ which i ended up not doing because it felt wrong after being told so many times that i can do it aloneā¦ and also HRT is essentially that for me alreadyā¦ maybe. and i think its fine. am not sure about chemical stuffā¦ whateverā
but yea i can see what u mean. but i wonāt tell myself that i like it. becauseā¦ i donāt. and generally, iām always super crazy critical harsh with myself and - like to stay honest. with myself and others. so i wonāt do it. i would essentially only do it for others so they get to feel happy about me feeling happy about receiving online praises or whateverā¦ and that feels double-backwards in a way i donāt vibe with.
i am yap-maxxing now.
iām fine with yap. and i get you.
i got it without a diagnosis or a test by just talking it out with a local doctor who prescribed some stuff ājust to see if it would helpā and it did. itās not perfect, i still get episodes, but i can get out of them myself now. i was worried that i wouldā¦ lose myself, but what actually went away was some of the time that i just spend dissociating or procrastinating. i got more of me. but it makes sense that hrt would have a similar effect, as the stuff i got is also hormonal.
hugboxes are good sometimes because it makes you realise that just because you can doesnāt mean you have to. while itās true that nobody but you controls your brain chemicals, being told that while full of bad brain chemicals is how you get a spiral going. and thatās when a hugbox comes in handy.
i have been actively working on not being my own worst critic for years at this point. i used to beat myself up over every little mistake, punish myself when i failed at tasks, and go into hiding when people disagreed with me online. being an overachiever with bad motor skills and bad braining skills is a shitshow. so i went into some sort of half-burnout coasting phase. and i used that to think to myself what the point was when the only one who cares is me. it took a long time to get out of that mindset and there are still remnants of it (no real sense of self, defining yourself by what you donāt likeā¦) but iāve made progress.
thatās why itās so annoying that the lying thing works. if youāre stuck in a well and people are lowering a bucket, thinking āthat bucket isnāt for me, itās for fetching waterā, then youāre going to continue being stuck. but if you think āmaybe it is for meā, then you eventually get out.
ā¦thatās the dumbest metaphor iāve ever written, i think.
maybe is it a a body thing for you? like do you have to look physically cute for it to count for you? š¤ i think itās kinda like that for me
yyyyyes it is. it is a body thingā¦
I do find when you write smol very cute tho
u mean this?
fair, i like that too. but i think itās mostly fun for the novelty. i think its cutie too.
This way of talking
ooooh yea riiight- true i do thatā¦ didnt do it as much recently tho. hmm.
But we can form an opinion based on the limited knowledge we have about youā¦
ā¦
ā¦Cutie.
But yeah, both sides are being pushed a lot.
iguess ur right, yea peeps can form onions based off of limited info, a limited word model of a person, thatās faaaaair ~ ~ ~ ~
i just donāt feel anything when i read it so it kindaā¦ just feels unnecessary. itās a different thing when someone comments on a post. cuz then itās usually about the post, which is something they have a dense world model of. so like - that makes sense.
but justā¦ calling me things like that just feels like nothingā¦
anyway, thank you. have a lovely day.
When people meet you IRL, they often also only have a surface-level glimpse of you.
yea thats true, but they have seen me irl, which appears important to me. and they get a vibe muuuuch quicker than what one gets online i feelā¦ but yeaaaa fairā¦
but but also: when i meet someone like 10 times irl and we yap, it feels like approx 4 times as info-dense as having online chats and stuffs-
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