I know I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry I did. But it was lying on the floor next to the bed, and I guess she forgot to put it up.
I opened it, and now I’m very worried about her. In her personal life, she’s a jester. She’s always so joyful with everyone around her.
Well, in her diary, every entry I looked at, even the most recent one, is about how profoundly depressed she is, and how she wants to kill herself, but for one reason or another is too afraid to do so. Even entries from years ago are like this. It seems like she’s felt this way for years, maybe even most of her life.
She gives all kinds of reasons why, from money/probably never being able to own a home (we’re poor), to just general feelings of being “tired of life”.
I had no idea. I don’t think anyone does besides me. I’m freaking out while I wait for her to come home this evening.
Now that I know, how the hell do I bring it up? Wtf do you do when you know this kind of info and can’t tell her how you do?
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Consider whether it was left out for a reason.
Now that you know, are there any indicators of this in her behavior or demeanor that you recognize in hindsight? If you can find something like that, then it would be an opportunity to talk to her without revealing that you read her diary.
It’s also possible that she left it there on purpose hoping you would read it. Or if not on purpose, per se, maybe subconsciously.
Yeah, so, when I think about it, her sense of humor has definitely gotten darker over time. But I always assumed it was because I already have a dark sense of humor, so it was just rubbing off on her.
As far as other behavior goes? She’s truly the same woman I married, in every way. She still loves going to play mahjong with our friends, wants to go on hikes, basically all the activities we do, she actively wants to do them. There’s no signs of her acting withdrawn. She asked me if we were going camping later this month, just yesterday. It’s why I feel so blindsided. I know mental health issues have different symptoms for everyone, but how common is it for the only symptom to be kept in a journal?
Can you just…idk, get used to be depressed? Because if she really has felt like this for years and years, she’s not acting like it.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts my entire life but they are intrusive thoughts and not something that I am likely to ever act upon. Not even passing thoughts, sometimes I think about it daily for weeks and it just sits there in the background and I’ve just learned to deal with it. I seriously doubt anyone thinks I have those thoughts.
Maybe she writes it down to get the thoughts under control and remind herself of why she shouldn’t do it?
Some people do “get used to being depressed” I imagine, but for many it becomes intolerable over time. That said, many people mask it for looooooong periods of time.
This must be a terrifying situation for you. I know you regret violating her privacy and don’t want to tell her that, but given what you know now, I think you need to talk with her about it. I’d recommend doing it soon (like today).
Do some quick reading first (and more reading later). Look up “suicidal ideation,” especially if you aren’t familiar with the concept. Suicidal ideation doesn’t usually have a direct cause, especially one that can be treated. Treatment is generally focused on helping the person understand and manage the thoughts. Hopefully she has a therapist that knows about this and is helping her.
Be understanding about why she hasn’t told you. She probably wants to be treated as a strong, “normal” person. Telling you, or anyone, puts her at risk of being treated as broken. Same goes for depression.
Listen and be compassionate. People like to give easy, “obvious” solutions to these kind of issues. DONT DO THAT. She isn’t stupid. There are no easy solutions.
The best thing you can do is be understanding, listen, and assure her you won’t treat her different.
Just a quick word (on this very well positioned advice with which I wholeheartedly agree) to add that, consciously or not, leaving her journal lying around and not putting it away as she usually does might be as close to a cry for help as she may be able to muster right now. Food for thought if you’re hesitating…
Thanks for adding that. It’s that possibility that made me say they should talk to her today.
You have 2 choices:
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Keep it to yourself, never let her know you read it.
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Admit to having read it, apologize for breaking trust, show your concern, ask how you can help.
I see a third choice:
- Now that you know what to look for, spend the days ahead re-engaging with her. This may also mean that you have to lead by example and be more open about how you’re feeling (not related to what you read in the diary). You certainly have doubts and challenges, yes? Do you voice those to her? Do you ask her how her what could change so life could improve?
That falls under #1
I read your implication of #1 as “Keep it to yourself, never let her know you read it, pretending that he never read it. Change no behavior”
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Firstly, reading your partners diary because they left it out is a huge violation of privacy. I won’t bang on about it but IMO you really have to tell her that you did that. Expect her to be angry. She should be. If I kept a diary and someone read it because “I forgot to put it up” that would be pretty much unforgivable.
Secondly, you can’t really help someone’s inner life / mental health journey unless they want to be helped and they want you to help them. The exception being when they’re at risk of harming themselves or others. In some cases it can be difficult to make this assessment, but in this case it need not be, you can just ask her directly. If she’s hasn’t already murdered you for reading her diary then you can just ask: “It’s fine if you don’t want my help and support, but I really do care about you and this has really spooked me. Can I just ask whether you’re at risk of harming yourself?”.
Prepare for helping her. Put the fact you read the diary aside, for now. Your marriage comes second to her life.
Talk to mental health service providers or free professional services (like help lines) that you can start unraveling what to do next that’s achievable for when you are able to have the conversation about her depression. But most of all remember she needs to go through the acceptance stage and move to seeking help, it’s her journey to recover, not yours, just be there and support her however you can.
It’s your responsibility to tell her what you did.
Good luck.
It could just be a way to get the thoughts out. She can very much know and understand that they are just intrusive thoughts but that doesn’t make it any easier.
My so oftentimes doesn’t really understand that there’s not a good reason for them. They just are. And one can point to different reasons to someone such as yourself to try to explain or rationalize a bit.
She could be wanting to do the hiking and games nights and stuff to escape from her head too. Sometimes you need a distraction and she may be looking forward to them too.
Personally if I have things in my life to focus on and think about then the intrusive thoughts dwindle a bit. But either you get used to them or you don’t.
Music might not be your thing but have a listen or just read the lyrics to Fine Again by Seether. They really resonate with me and may help you understand a little better what she might be going through. Especially your comments about how she seems totally fine.
everyday’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober, feels like I’m dyin’, here
And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
‘cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dyin’, here?
And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you’re never gonna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now, No…
I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems eveyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems eveything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself
I am pepared now for myself
I am prepared now, and I am found… againYeah, best option probably to bring it up in some way without admitting to it. Though, I can’t come up with a good way unless there is some other indicators. Alternatively: There’s always the truth. Might go badly. But if the alternative is even worse, you might want to consider just telling it how it is. Say you betrayed her and read the diary and now you’re concerned.
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Too late, the “betrayal” happened.
Now that he knows, if he says and does nothing and then she kills herself, how’s he going to live with that?
What a cruel, hateful response. You aren’t a nice person.
