Such a long title.
Basically I’m wondering if this happens IRL, and how. I’ve heard countless stories of people who hold a grudge against family members /ex partners/ ex friends/ neighbours etc. for years, and they do horrible things to each other. Or maybe just the cold shoulder can be rough especially for such a long time. But not so many stories of people in these situations who suddenly talk things out unexpectedly, out of their own will and not because they kept getting nagged about whatever happened.
I’ve also heard about people who screw up big once, never acknowledge or apologize, then everyone puts the episode behind and moves on. But I’ve never heard about suddenly this person perhaps decades afterwards just actually addressing their screw up and apologizing.
So, have you ever received one of these big, unexpected apologies? Or have you ever apologized for something you did you never thought you would want or dare to apologize for?
I was a bully to the whiny and sensitive kid in my friends group. Everyone kind of poked fun at him so me being a kid, I did the same.
I genuinely apologized to him 10 years later as it was gnawing at me all those years and he didn’t accept it. He told me how the teasing messed up his self esteem and contributed to mental health problems he still deals with.
I felt so unbelievably awful for having that effect on him for all that time that I didn’t know what to say. I figured if I hurt him that much the best thing I can do for him is disappear completely. I haven’t been very social since out of fear of hurting someone like that again. Keeps me up sometimes and I find myself thinking about it when I daydream.
Sorry to hear that’s how it went. Good on you for actually apologizing, I hope he can eventually forgive although it seems that’s going to require a lot of introspection on his side too which isn’t easy. Bear in mind that in spite of what you did, you are not 100% responsible for how things developed on his side. There are so many factors affecting mental health and self esteem. If you’ve truly changed then you will know better than repeating the same mistakes in the future with someone else, so don’t let that hold you back.
I had an ex boyfriend I’d stayed in touch with phone me to say he was now a Christian and part of his new-found faith was contacting people he’d treated badly in the past and apologising. So, he realised now that he had not been a good friend, and he was very sorry for any hurt he’d caused me. I accepted the apology and we chatted a bit.
A few weeks later he called again, this time to ask me to sign an affidavit affirming that he was a good person and had been a good friend to me. This was to support his effort to gain custody of a baby, who may or may not have been his, from his most recent ex, along with her two sons, who definitely weren’t. I said absolutely NOT and told him why. He hung up, and I haven’t heard from him since. Such a great friend, lol.
I ran into one of my school bullies a few years later on a walk, didn’t even recognize the guy at first. He did apologize for back then and said he was a dick. Didn’t really do anything for me to be honest, but I accepted it at least and went my way.
One apology I wish I had gotten but never did: I was the designated driver for a friend (and a friend of his), just hanging out, bit of drinking, but I’m not a big fan of bars. It got late and I just wanted to go home at that point, so we got into the car. I was going to drop them off where they wanted and now suddenly my friend (sitting next to me) wanted to pick up and annoy yet another friend of his (detour and I just wanted to drop them off at that point). I said no, I’m not picking up another friend at this point.
When I wanted to do a right turn the guy grabbed the steering wheel and tried to go left towards the other friend. Had to stop the car, luckily we weren’t going fast and it was inside the town. I got pissed, dropped them off where originally agreed upon and drove home. Wasn’t the first time either that he reached over to the steering wheel, but last time he just got annoyed at a dick on the road and used my horn (while I’d have just let it go).
Well, never got an apology, so I just stopped talking with the guy. Years later he wrote me again, we talked a bit and I brought up that I was still annoyed from him grabbing the wheel back then. He thought it’s so long ago, why do I still make a big deal out of it? Super annoying.
Oh man, I despise when people think that shit doesn’t need an apology if time has passed. Time passing doesn’t mean I think youve changed as a person, you need to show that to me, and expecting someone to forgive things when nothing’s been done to repair that is its own problem.
There was this girl in my school who was an immigrant and didn’t speak the national language. It was, I believe, second grade. Our whole class, including me, constantly laughed at her, and it was clear she wasn’t enjoying it. She was somewhat of an outsider, never participating in social events, never properly socializing. I left that school the next year, so I didn’t get to see her anymore.
I met her again in high school, six years later. She spoke the national language, integrated properly, and had many friends. I even met her through a mutual friend. We spoke normally at first, simply acknowledging our shared past, but some guilt gnawed at me. It’s not like I couldn’t sleep thinking about how I treated her, but I couldn’t just pretend I’ve always been nice to her. So, one day, I took her to the side… and apologized. She was flustered, she clearly didn’t expect that, nor did she hold a grudge according to her, but I felt way better afterwards.
Edit: spelling
Good on you for trying to make it right. She may not have said it then, but I bet she appreciated it.
Something I worry about, but haven’t seen anyone mention yet, is that a long-after-the-fact apology seems a little self-serving. I’m the one who feels bad, so I’m going to bring something up again hoping that I feel better about the situation afterwards.
There are people I didn’t treat very well when I was young. When I think about reaching out to apologize I imagine the interaction ending with me feeling better and them feeling shitty again.
Reading this thread, however, it doesn’t look like that’s how this usually goes. So, maybe I should rethink it.
I agree with you. In my case, I waited until a person I had wronged 30 years before reached out to me on facebook. Her contact gave me the opening to apologize. She claimed to have forgotten the incident, but I don’t think that was true (for complicated reasons). But she accepted my apology.
We became close again for a while, but then she quit returning my calls and I let her be. At least I got to make my peace.
I think it can depend. In many cases people move on from things and they probably aren’t thinking about it, but if they still feel affected then it might be meaningful to them to have it acknowledged.
I think I would hate if anyone apologised to me for how they treated me in school, of course I’d have to pretend that it’s ok and accept their apology, act like we’re friends now or something and wish them the best…
Then I’d go and be depressed about it, feel humiliated and annoyed. Probably anxious and uncomfortable too because they’ll be telling people ‘hey remember that kid we used to bully, I saw him and apologised’ maybe they’ll even make a social media post to highlight how great that are now and it’s all ok because they waved their magic word wand and fixed all the compounded psychological issues they caused…
I don’t think you should feel bad for keeping it to yourself, it’s not going to fix anything so what would be the point?
Well, everyone is different so if this is how you would feel about a bully apologizing, I’m sure others also think the same. But I think you are wrong to presume everyone would feel the same way you do. How can you be so sure it’s not going to fix anything for someone else? I recommend you read some of those who actually got an apology.
I also wouldn’t be so sure the ex bully would go around posting on social media this kind of stuff. Apologizing is hard already, I would squirm in shame if I was to admit on Facebook or Instagram that I bullied someone. Sounds embarrassing af even if the post is about the apology. It works on anonymous sites as Lemmy or Reddit though.
I received an unexpected apology almost 20 years after the fact. I had long since moved on and had no hard feelings for the person.
Before that apology, I was like most people who thought an apology like that would feel selfish or self-serving for the person giving the apology. Instead, it felt very genuine and weirdly made me feel a little better about humanity. Like, if this person can grow and come out the other side a better, happier person, then more people can too.
There was someone I was talking to and we were interested in each other. I went to their city to visit and party, ended up going to a bar with them and their friends. I left with and hooked up with their friend.
Years later I was thinking about it for some reason, and how shitty of a thing to do it was to this innocent person who had been so kind and hospitable. I reached out and apologized, telling them it wasn’t their fault and that they deserved better than to be treated that way. I felt very bad about it and wanted to try to reverse any damage it may have caused them and their feeling of self worth. Thankfully they forgave me and said they were in a happy and healthy relationship at that point.
Besides realizing what a shitty person I was, I eventually realized how alcohol affected me and quit drinking. Not blaming the alcohol for my actions because I was 100% lucid, but it sure made making wrong choices easier in the moment.
Yes.
I met up with my ex for lunch decades back when she came to town on other business. She took me to lunch and apologized for taking me for granted and generally not being a very good girlfriend at the time.
Similarly, my brother called me up one day and took the time to apologize how how he’d acted the whole time we were growing up together and years afterwards.
I think it was more experience and better perspective for the first, and more maturity for the second, that triggered the self-reflection and apologies.
I received an apology from a person who bullied me, at the end of our time at school. It was nice and all… if he could have come to this realisation during school then that would have been better.
I actually want to apologize to someone, for not being honest when we were 17-19 (we’re both now 27-28).
I always lied whenever she asked me to just hang out. Said I could not or had something else.
Truth is, I never dared because of my dad. I didn’t want him to know that, I was hanging out with a girl. A lot happened in my youth and didn’t want to have another violence experience at home.
That and the fact I just feel awkward around people or on 1 on 1 meetings.
But I feel like it’s been way to long for that apology.
