I’ve realized that I’m one of those people who always demands too much of themselves. I’m constantly thinking that I’m not doing enough and that I need to be doing more.

Recently, all this exhaustion finally caught up with me, and I got sick. I thought it was a perfect excuse to finally relax: just play video games, do nothing, and actually enjoy myself.

So, I started playing games and tried to stop guilt-tripping myself for being “unproductive.” Around the same time, my brother told me that this “cult of productivity” mostly serves capitalists — they want you to keep improving so they can get more out of you for the same pay. They want you to spend your energy becoming “better” instead of actually resting.

I thought that after a week of being sick, I’d be ready to jump back into my usual hobbies. But I wasn’t. Now, I don’t even know if I actually like programming or self-hosting anymore. Did I ever really enjoy it, or did I just convince myself I did?

It’s been two or three weeks now, and I’m still doing almost nothing. I’m starting to doubt everything I was interested in. I just wanted to share these feelings and ask: has anyone else been in a situation like this? Where you just don’t know what you’re doing it for anymore?

Thanks for listening.

  • GreenShimada@lemmy.worldEnglish
    5·
    1 month ago

    You’ve had a good warning. Some people push themselves and go their whole lives in cycles of being sick, recovering, burning out, lather rinse, repeat.

    Take some time to take a step back and re-evaluate everything. I really mean everything. From where you buy groceries and what you buy, to who you hang out with, to what screens you watch and for why. Then see what you can cut. As much as I hate to use the comparison, see what sparks joy in these non-tangible things, and start to drop a few things where you can. It’s OK to change hobbies and interests. It’s also OK to set them aside for a while and come back later.

    Personally, I’ll say that self-hosting might be more than just a hobby, it might be a privacy bulwark worth keeping. Figure that out for yourself.

    Be unproductive, it’s OK. I’m the same way and when I’m on vacation, even just a weekend away, it takes me a while to get past a feeling that I should be doing something. I can’t just read a book until at least a day or two in.

    Good luck!