I know exactly how you feel. At one point while reading I thought “Did I write this and forget about it?”
It’s sad that you and I and many others are living in a world where being called “funny” is an insult to us. We don’t want to be funny, we want to be “dependable”, we want to hear “You make me feel safe” or “I’m glad you’re here for me”. We want to be good listers but nobody ever talks to us. “Haha, you’re such a funny guy.” Is all we get.
What people answering you don’t understand is the difference between fighting for love and fighting for the CHANCE for love. This is like the difference between struggling to win at a slot machine and struggling to get in the casino. Then people try to convince you that there’s a system to it. Please, as if we don’t know the rules - shower, groom yourself, be assertive but not pushy, read the room, show interest in their interests but don’t interrogate, complement their efforts, be charming and make them laugh. We can follow all this to the tee but all we ever hear is “Yes, but not you”. And don’t get me started at the cowardism. There’s never constructive criticism, at best there’s a " no" at worst there’s a lie. How many times have I heard “Sorry, I’m not really interested in a relationship right now.” only to find the same person dating somebody 2 weeks later. Must have been a life changing 2 weeks to change your mantra like that.
The problem is that there’s an appropriate time for trying and to be picked. I understand what you’re saying about people I Gaza, but this is a fucked up situation in general and outside the norm. I got raised in a normal household, went to a normal school, had normal hobbies and normal friends yet still, nobody ever saw any romantic value in me. And now I’m old, I don’t have the safe environment of of innocence but I’m also not allowed to make mistakes. I have zero experience yet I’m expected to outcompete everybody. That’s the issue. If I’m interested in someone, that someone will always have options beyond me. What others are basically saying is that you’ll find love only if someone comes along that is so cornered that you’re their only option. I don’t want to be someone’s only choice, I want to be someone’s first choice, but people like us aren’t even second, third or fourth - we are not even on the list. There will be always younger, better more successfully and better looking options. And the older we get the more baggage and expectations people were interested in have.
I feel like a car that hasn’t been sold by the dealer, then new models came along and nobody wants the old one anymore. And the longer it sits in the lot, the more people start to wonder what’s wrong with it and why it hasn’t been sold. It becomes a loop of people seeing your lack of worth and assigning even less worth to you. And then at some point you become a write-off, a statistic - cars not sold, lives not lived.
What people answering you don’t understand is the difference between fighting for love and fighting for the CHANCE for love. This is like the difference between struggling to win at a slot machine and struggling to get in the casino. Then people try to convince you that there’s a system to it. Please, as if we don’t know the rules - shower, groom yourself, be assertive but not pushy, read the room, show interest in their interests but don’t interrogate, complement their efforts, be charming and make them laugh. We can follow all this to the tee but all we ever hear is “Yes, but not you”. And don’t get me started at the cowardism. There’s never constructive criticism, at best there’s a " no" at worst there’s a lie.
this.
I’d not be so resigned if I’d had some genuine interest turn up at some point. But the only person I’ve ever gotten a second date from (and a brief relationship for a few months), later told me he meant and felt nothing of what he said he did, over text, on Christmas morning 2020. Even he couldn’t articulate why, he just didn’t feel anything for me despite everything I’d done up to that point to be up to par for him. Everyone else disappears like a fart in the wind well before a second date.
I know love is not all sunshine and roses, and work and effort is involved, but I suppose not everyone who wants to work can find a job, either, as my recent job hunt has illustrated. Only problem is, Walmart and McDonalds accept everyone, and the consequences for working at either are a lot less than the consequences of dating someone who will “accept anyone”.
I am reminded of the quote by Stephen Gould, “I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein’s brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.”
likewise, there will be plenty of people who live and die alone who are just as good a partner as anyone else can hope for, but who just don’t get lucky. Me, I’ve had my relationship woes, depression, cancer, losing my job and having my career derailed recently because of cancer, all kinds of fun hints that I am just not lucky and not meant for the things I want out of life. And I guess I just have to learn to be okay with that.
Probably too damaged to be good enough for anyone decent, now, anyways. And definitely too damaged to open up to anyone in any meaningful capacity, in any reasonable span of time – most partners expect you to let them in and lean on them in turn, and I’ve learned by now not to let anyone in.
Your analogy with looking for a job is beautiful, it perfectly captures the feeling. No matter how much you apply yourself, if your resume is shit, and you have no meaningful experience nobody is interested in you. There is no going back, no redos. If you didn’t get opportunities early on, why should anybody give them to you now. There’s always going to be someone younger, better, less desperate and more suitef to do the job. But at least there are times when workers are desperately needed or agencies to help you find at least something. But the are not contingencies for being unlovable.
And it sucks. I try to keep my composure, but I slip more and more. I’ve gone from asking “Who are you as a person?” to “How are you going to hurt me?”. It’s like a self fulfilling proficiency, people don’t like you so you become more unlikable. I’m so bitter I’m probably past being a good partner anyway. It’s a straight up paradox, I need a miracle to happen to ever get into a relationship, but the most rational thing for me to do would be to say “No” if it ever happens.
Violence, sadness, pain, hate all have in common that at a certain point they become so absurd that it loops back around to being borderline comical. But loneliness is a bottomless pit, there’s no desensitization to it. It’s like the opposite of a drug, the first time you don’t even realize you’re alone but the longer the feeling persists the harder it hits. And everything is a constant reminder of your loneliness. Songs that are not about love or heartbreak are few and far between, movies and books are the same. It certainly makes you feel like the bottom of society. Most laws are even made for the sole purpose of being able to maintain a family - a family I will never have. What’s even the point of voting or advocating if the rules aren’t even made with me in mind.
Dating is not a sport or hobby, there is no 2nd or 3rd place. I don’t expect to pick up a tennis racket and be world class, neither does anybody else. But if there are people that are not physically or mentally able to do certain sports, then why aren’t some just as unable to participate in love. People saying “You got to believe in yourself and it’s all going to work out.” is as much of an insult as telling someone in a wheelchair that they are going to be an Olympic runner. No we are not, we are damaged goods beyond repair. I don’t even want to have a relationship anymore, I just want to stop being hurt with constant reminders of a life I never had a chance for.
It doesn’t even come with any freedoms. You still have the same responsibilities, same bills, same problems but you have absolutely no one to have you back.
I know exactly how you feel. At one point while reading I thought “Did I write this and forget about it?” It’s sad that you and I and many others are living in a world where being called “funny” is an insult to us. We don’t want to be funny, we want to be “dependable”, we want to hear “You make me feel safe” or “I’m glad you’re here for me”. We want to be good listers but nobody ever talks to us. “Haha, you’re such a funny guy.” Is all we get.
What people answering you don’t understand is the difference between fighting for love and fighting for the CHANCE for love. This is like the difference between struggling to win at a slot machine and struggling to get in the casino. Then people try to convince you that there’s a system to it. Please, as if we don’t know the rules - shower, groom yourself, be assertive but not pushy, read the room, show interest in their interests but don’t interrogate, complement their efforts, be charming and make them laugh. We can follow all this to the tee but all we ever hear is “Yes, but not you”. And don’t get me started at the cowardism. There’s never constructive criticism, at best there’s a " no" at worst there’s a lie. How many times have I heard “Sorry, I’m not really interested in a relationship right now.” only to find the same person dating somebody 2 weeks later. Must have been a life changing 2 weeks to change your mantra like that.
The problem is that there’s an appropriate time for trying and to be picked. I understand what you’re saying about people I Gaza, but this is a fucked up situation in general and outside the norm. I got raised in a normal household, went to a normal school, had normal hobbies and normal friends yet still, nobody ever saw any romantic value in me. And now I’m old, I don’t have the safe environment of of innocence but I’m also not allowed to make mistakes. I have zero experience yet I’m expected to outcompete everybody. That’s the issue. If I’m interested in someone, that someone will always have options beyond me. What others are basically saying is that you’ll find love only if someone comes along that is so cornered that you’re their only option. I don’t want to be someone’s only choice, I want to be someone’s first choice, but people like us aren’t even second, third or fourth - we are not even on the list. There will be always younger, better more successfully and better looking options. And the older we get the more baggage and expectations people were interested in have.
I feel like a car that hasn’t been sold by the dealer, then new models came along and nobody wants the old one anymore. And the longer it sits in the lot, the more people start to wonder what’s wrong with it and why it hasn’t been sold. It becomes a loop of people seeing your lack of worth and assigning even less worth to you. And then at some point you become a write-off, a statistic - cars not sold, lives not lived.
this.
I’d not be so resigned if I’d had some genuine interest turn up at some point. But the only person I’ve ever gotten a second date from (and a brief relationship for a few months), later told me he meant and felt nothing of what he said he did, over text, on Christmas morning 2020. Even he couldn’t articulate why, he just didn’t feel anything for me despite everything I’d done up to that point to be up to par for him. Everyone else disappears like a fart in the wind well before a second date.
I know love is not all sunshine and roses, and work and effort is involved, but I suppose not everyone who wants to work can find a job, either, as my recent job hunt has illustrated. Only problem is, Walmart and McDonalds accept everyone, and the consequences for working at either are a lot less than the consequences of dating someone who will “accept anyone”.
I am reminded of the quote by Stephen Gould, “I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein’s brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.”
likewise, there will be plenty of people who live and die alone who are just as good a partner as anyone else can hope for, but who just don’t get lucky. Me, I’ve had my relationship woes, depression, cancer, losing my job and having my career derailed recently because of cancer, all kinds of fun hints that I am just not lucky and not meant for the things I want out of life. And I guess I just have to learn to be okay with that.
Probably too damaged to be good enough for anyone decent, now, anyways. And definitely too damaged to open up to anyone in any meaningful capacity, in any reasonable span of time – most partners expect you to let them in and lean on them in turn, and I’ve learned by now not to let anyone in.
Your analogy with looking for a job is beautiful, it perfectly captures the feeling. No matter how much you apply yourself, if your resume is shit, and you have no meaningful experience nobody is interested in you. There is no going back, no redos. If you didn’t get opportunities early on, why should anybody give them to you now. There’s always going to be someone younger, better, less desperate and more suitef to do the job. But at least there are times when workers are desperately needed or agencies to help you find at least something. But the are not contingencies for being unlovable.
And it sucks. I try to keep my composure, but I slip more and more. I’ve gone from asking “Who are you as a person?” to “How are you going to hurt me?”. It’s like a self fulfilling proficiency, people don’t like you so you become more unlikable. I’m so bitter I’m probably past being a good partner anyway. It’s a straight up paradox, I need a miracle to happen to ever get into a relationship, but the most rational thing for me to do would be to say “No” if it ever happens.
Violence, sadness, pain, hate all have in common that at a certain point they become so absurd that it loops back around to being borderline comical. But loneliness is a bottomless pit, there’s no desensitization to it. It’s like the opposite of a drug, the first time you don’t even realize you’re alone but the longer the feeling persists the harder it hits. And everything is a constant reminder of your loneliness. Songs that are not about love or heartbreak are few and far between, movies and books are the same. It certainly makes you feel like the bottom of society. Most laws are even made for the sole purpose of being able to maintain a family - a family I will never have. What’s even the point of voting or advocating if the rules aren’t even made with me in mind.
Dating is not a sport or hobby, there is no 2nd or 3rd place. I don’t expect to pick up a tennis racket and be world class, neither does anybody else. But if there are people that are not physically or mentally able to do certain sports, then why aren’t some just as unable to participate in love. People saying “You got to believe in yourself and it’s all going to work out.” is as much of an insult as telling someone in a wheelchair that they are going to be an Olympic runner. No we are not, we are damaged goods beyond repair. I don’t even want to have a relationship anymore, I just want to stop being hurt with constant reminders of a life I never had a chance for.
It doesn’t even come with any freedoms. You still have the same responsibilities, same bills, same problems but you have absolutely no one to have you back.