I don’t have a lot of people to turn to, never really have… I’ve been pretty isolated most of my life, so I’ve just sort of muddled through by reading a lot and trying to figure out how to deal with stuff on my own.
But I’m not really sure how to handle this. I’m disabled and have been most of my life, and I haven’t really let it stop me for the most part. It gets in the way, but I brute force my way through. Often to my own detriment.
I guess I’m not doing as well as I thought… I’m applying for a disability upgrade, and one of the things I can submit is statements in support of my claim, letters from the people around me about how my disability impacts my life, and theirs. If this doesn’t sound like a normal disability process that’s because this is the VA service-connected disability process, rather than a normal one.
Anyway, I asked a couple of my closest friends to write something up about how they have seen the impacts, and it low-key hurt my soul to read. Reading how they have been negatively impacted by my limitations, and how they view what I go through has been the worst kind of eye opening.
And I’m not sure how to deal with that, or even where to look.
If you’ve got motherly or fatherly advice, if you’ve been through similar, if you’ve been through something else hard, please feel free to share. Anything helps.
OP I have a friend with severe physical disabilities. If she were to ask me to write a letter to help her, that thing would be more bleak than you could possibly imagine. In no way do I view her as a burden, but if her benefits were on the line? Absolutely they would hear every tiny struggle and difficulty we experience as a result of her disability. I would look at this as your friends going to bat for you 100%
You’re right, I would do the same in that position and I know my friends did too. It’s a support; they didn’t volunteer the pages, I asked for them.
Thank you :)
OP, I appreciate you being vulnerable here.
First off, and maybe you know this for sure or not, your friends might have really played up everything for your benefit. I’ve been on both sides of grant applications, and every one I’ve ever written made it sound like whatever it was, was basically a life or death dire situation. The ones grant panels love do the same. The benefit of the doubt is that your friends maybe did this for you because they want you to get this upgrade. Unless you’ve confirmed this either way, consider it possible.
That doesn’t make it any easier to read what they wrote, confirmed over exaggerated statement or not. All I can say here is that this sucks and I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, your friends stick with you, through all they’ve expressed. That sounds like they might be some solid friends. Your disability isn’t your fault, and these friends, I assume, able and willing to help you out.
OP, this is a rough spot to be in, and thanks for reaching out to us.
You are absolutely right, and I do know they played it up for the sake of the claim. They, however, pointed out a lot of things I hadn’t even personally considered as impacts, and they are right. They brought up examples I’d forgotten about. They expressed everything with such kindness that I know it wasn’t meant to be hurtful, but it still hurts.
But you are also correct that they do stick with me in spite of it. We all have our own issues and we all make accommodations for each other, and they did mention times I showed up in a big way for them even though it was difficult. I hope that’s more how they see me than the parts I actually asked them to write about how bad it is heh :)
I appreciate your perspective, thank you for taking the time to help me manage these feelings.
They, however, pointed out a lot of things I hadn’t even personally considered as impacts, and they are right.
100% for real. Over Thanksgiving, a friend’s kid was watching Green Bay vs. Detroit and throwing massive shade at a grown-ass adult also there from Green Bay. Kid was all in on Detroit (he’ll learn one day), so things got worse and worse for the kid. It’s just an 8 year old, right? At some point the kid got oddly personal and specific and just brutal. Stuff like “Yeah, well, your hair is like a balding baby and you’re bad at your job.” He wasn’t wrong, but…holy shit, homeboy from Green bay was genuinely shook by the kid just pointing out things he didn’t like about himself.
It’s normal to feel that way, because it fucking hurts. But it won’t kill you, and you also have a gift in that you have everything laid bare. If there’s anything you can fix or adapt or change, now you know. Some people go their whole lives without ever having that kind of honesty. Good intel, bad delivery is all. Take the hit, process, take a beat and figure out how you want to use it to bounce back in a better way. Very fucking easy for me to say. All you can do is try.
Oh man, kids are brutal when it comes to pointing out insecurities you have about yourself.
They don’t care if they destroy everything you are, they are going for maximum damage.
That’s a good point about having everything laid bare. It’ll be a challenge to separate out actionable issues, but at least I have somewhere to start. Thank you for that :)
The VA offers therapy in a few different formats. I bring this up as a disabled veteran myself, sometimes its just really nice to talk to another veteran who has been through the same thing and hear their perspective.
You have wonderful friends and I’m glad you have their support! But I also know from personal experience how difficult it is to upgrade a disability rating, so I really encourage you to ask your local cboc or VA facility to get you in touch with a peer support. They can even go along with you to the c&p exam to make sure you are heard, and help you talk about the things that are in those letters.
I now have 100% for PTSD, and if that’s what you’re trying to increase for, I can definitely say it’s a more difficult exam than the first one was
There’s not really enough detail to provide truly informed advice, but in a very general sense, here’s what I imagine my chosen perspective would be if I were in similar circumstances…
In a manner, the things your closest friends stated on your behalf are no different than if you are submitting a resume for your dream job. It’s similar to describing your prior experience in the very best possible light (ex: your job title might’ve been janitor, but your resume says “Directed maintenance of critical intraoffice resources and facilities”). Your references, if well chosen, are going to make you sound like the second coming of Jesus.
The people closest to you probably really want to help you get that disability upgrade, right? So, their impact statements may seem brutally honest to you, but there’s also likely some degree of almost embellishment (that’s not quite the right word, but hopefully it still gets the point across). Like, they’re not going to say, “I have to drive ButteryMonkey to a lot of their appointments, but it’s no problem, most of the time I’m already heading to that general area anyway and besides, it gives us more opportunities to spend time together.” They’re going to really hammer home on the troubling or burdensome aspects of coordinating transport so that it’s clear you’re in need of extra help.
On the other hand, if these impact statements do hit a little close to home for you, then no matter where you are in life, it seems like there’s opportunity for introspection and growth. These friends could have easily lied about the impacts, made things up, or just declined to help. Instead they chose to be truthful and help.
For the introspection part: If you feel hurt and surprised by the things your friends said, you may have some work to do on yourself. This is not me judging you, I don’t know anything about you to have an opinion, let alone a judgement. We all have aspects of ourselves that we need to work on.But, it’s important to be honest with yourself. If you have low esteem or mental illness, it could make their otherwise reasonable observations feel like daggers. If you’re avoidant or combative when someone provides criticisms, then that’s something you can work on. If you just don’t pay attention enough to other people and their needs, so much so that their feelings are surprising, then that might be a sign you need to put a bit more effort into empathy and/or observant.
For growth: Again, I can’t provide any specifics, but this could be the start of a conversation with folks that brings you closer to them. The important thing is to be open and honest, but also assume the best about them, show grace, and give them the benefit of the doubt. They’ve helped, or tried to help, so most likely these aren’t people who think you’re some terrible monster. Now’s the chance to be emotionally vulnerable and grow closer with your friends. We all have friends, none of whom are perfect, right? Can’t expect perfection from ourselves or others. But also, if it’s bothering you, best not to bottle it up and let it fester.
That’s a good way to frame it, thank you. They are providing me an excellent reference for the position I really need to be in. I hate needing to ask for help in the first place (support has been lacking in my life) and that probably makes this whole thing feel worse.
I have AutDHD, and rejection sensitive dysphoria, to boot, so I’m a bit of a sensitive mess about stuff, however that’s also why I sometimes like to get outside thoughts before I act on any of it. I know I’m a sensitive mess and I want to reframe things so I can approach them properly.
Most of what they mentioned I knew, and I know they played it up for the sake of the job. There were some things I hadn’t considered because they didn’t seem connected to me. They made some connections that have me on that introspection ride, and dealing with that has been the major challenge. I’ve always asked people to be honest and upfront with me and it feels like maybe they haven’t been, but maybe because it doesn’t rise to the level of concern. I don’t know, and I don’t know if it’s worth pursuing.
Seeing an exaggeration of my burden hurts too, but I literally asked for that. I can’t fault them for delivering. One sent me multiple drafts and asked if they should add more, because they had a lot to say. And I said write as much as you want, they have to read it all.
Have you tried connecting with a peer group of similarly disabled people?
Talk to the VA social workers; I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of network already in place.
I don’t feel comfy sharing something, however as a mother it’s a hard thing to say but resilience and learning to let things bounce of you will make you feel happier. I know that sounds easy to say but inhibitions based on what others think just stops you being happy.
Not everything is sweetness and light but you can choose to enjoy happiness your way. Even the little moment.
I hope you get the extra support you need. Please take comfort in knowing you are loved and people even far away are wishing you to be happy
Thank you, I appreciate your words and support <3
I do my best to let stuff go, this one is just challenging my view of myself as capable and independent, and that’s hard.
If you told your friends to write an impact statement to upgrade your disability, they’re going to do the best job they can to make you look as helpless as possible to make sure you get it :>
Not sure if this helps, but my boss calls it catastrophizing over change.
I think OP has to remember they were asked to caterwaul. It’s far more myopic than normal. Most people can make do in the absolute worst conditions, and there’s a lot of laughs in between dire statements. We all tend to hold up as best we can.
You can be right about exact conditions, but way over the top when it’s about morale.
This was my thought too. If my good friend told me to call her a name because she needed it I’d step up!
Even strong and independent deserves some rest too. Probably even more. Your shoulders are not boulders. Take some weight off if you can.
So if you need help, you need help. Don’t feel bad about that. You are human.
If your buddies didn’t like you they wouldn’t be around and they wouldn’t bother putting words together. Chat with them, they are only human too.
I am not disabled but my husband is. We’ve gone through many psychiatric reviews together to get and maintain his disability status. I will tell you that it doesn’t get easier being under the microscope. It is natural to have feelings of guilt and want to be defensive when you’re faced with the realization that you’re not considered “normal.” I absolutely hate going to these reviews because they always make both of us feel like we aren’t doing enough to be normal. But the at last review we went to the psychiatrist was amazing and when we both started shutting down during the interview she told us that it’s okay; we’re not normal but we are coping in a very healthy way. She commended us for our efforts, our routines, and our strong relationship. And that little bit of recognition really really helped. So yes you might be down now after reading what your friends wrote and discovering some new things you didn’t know, but I would definitely suggest that you take a personal inventory of all the things you are doing to live your best life right now. Don’t sell yourself short.
Just ignore them. That’s what I do, doesn’t work at all, is a terrible idea, doing it anyway. Also only read the topic, not the post, probably contains sad shit, don’t want that currently. Too busy ignoring shit in my own life.
